Catching Up with Nicole Dufield

portrait of nicole

Wow, 3 years; I can’t believe it’s been that long since my first post for my MilspoFan interview.  It has been a crazy interesting 3 years to say the least.  This past year has been nothing short of challenging, fun, full of adventure, scary and wonderful at the same time. 

I have continued singing at church but that’s about it.  Nothing terribly exciting on the music front. Last year my eldest was diagnosed on the autism spectrum last year making for lots of doctors, evaluations, med appointments etc.  This made for an extremely stressful year on top of going back to work full time.  It was a rough year, to say the least.  But thank goodness for therapies, doctors and medicine we have her on the right track and she is blooming wonderfully. 

Every now and then I find myself forgetting she is a spectrum kiddo…then all of a sudden she will be her little self and I remember, “oh that’s right, there you are”.  With all of that comes challenge though as a parent.  Part of you grieves when you find out your child is on the spectrum because you don’t know what life is going to be like for them; how will they struggle, how will they blossom.  Part of you is relieved, “at least there is an explanation, we can finally get the help she needs” feeling.  Then there’s the anger, “why did it have to take so many doctors, so many years fighting to CONVINCE someone to listen?  Girls present differently than boys, why is this not known?” 

But mostly there’s a lot of extra love, patience to try and gratitude to have answers. But of course there’s trials and tribulations as the parent; could I have done something different?  Is it my fault?  What did I do during pregnancy/infancy that caused this?  All these questions fill your mind, you begin to doubt every choice you ever made.  Then it’s the going back looking at your life and your spouse’s life wondering how this came to be.  You realize; well I have this and he has that, so I guess when you put it all together into one person you get them.  It’s eye-opening, to say the least. And like I posted in my last update, I personally struggle with depression and anxiety, so just imagine how all of this played out for me as well. 

I keep being told you have to take care of you so you can take care of your kids.  What happens though when you can’t take care of you because you HAVE to take care of them.  There’s no easy balance as a parent.  We sacrifice, we cry, we love, we lose our patience. 

But at the end of the day, as I watch them come through the door at the end of their school day; you realize it’s all worth it.  I wouldn’t trade my job in as a mom for anything!

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